It’s been almost a year since I gave birth to my youngest son, Dash, and the excuse of getting thicker is getting old. I know people are just being polite, but the realization that I’ve gained 50 lbs. since January is enough to make me want to scream. So lately, I’ve been wondering where I’ve been going wrong. Obviously, eating my feelings is one of the reasons why I’m struggling with my weight, but my focus has been thrown off a few times too many this year and I want to put a few things in perspective.

In my quest to live out my dream, to use my voice, and inspire others, I’ve allowed people to come into my space and drain me of my energy, time, and emotion. I love the idea of meeting new people and making friends, in addition to helping people… and duh, inspiring them. However, a few times I found myself trying to make grown people mature, think outside the box, and stop getting in their own way. This is my mission, right? However, if I spend more time motivating them and not myself, then what will I have when it’s all said and done? Nothing was what I calculated that to be, but I’m no math whiz.

If pursuing your dreams makes you stress and stress makes you eat, thus you gain weight and lose confidence, this is the start of a vicious cycle. If your relationships dwindle because of your lack of confidence, and you lose sight of your spiritual self while dealing with outside people who don’t understand you, what are you left with? Chaos. Chaos covered in sugar to make life seem so sweet, it’s unbelievable. How did things get so messed up so quickly, while I was so busy grinding and I still manage to keep a smile on my face? Wow, only me. It’s about time to be more transparent and make some changes.

I prayed. I prayed harder than I can remember praying. Asking God, not to make me perfect but to make me want to improve who I have been since this whole thing was conceptualized. I asked to be GaptoothDiva 2.0, a much needed upgrade to myself after experiencing some of the most tumultuous and erratic contributions this journey has to offer. Courageous and Anointed people take it all head on, they see what needs to change and they change it, they dive right into it all knowing the entire time, that what’s destined for them… is already in their possession. They don’t steal, lie, or manipulate; they implement, they trend set, and they change the course to adapt to them, not the other way around. It took me the last few weeks to remember that, and I’m excited to embark on this new journey with all of you who support me.

I'esha GaptoothDiva discusses struggles with her weight, finances, success, and relationships

Spiritually, I’m anything but perfect. Nevertheless, despite the fact that I pray throughout the day, I do make mistakes and my language isn’t always the best. Does that mean that I don’t recognize the amazingness (yes, made that up) of God…? No, not at all! Get your life, if you spend your time trying to prove that positive, faithful and prayerful people still sin and curse. You’re lame. Thou shall not Judge, dummy. I love God with all my heart, but I still believe that He made us to experience life, not be afraid of it. Don’t expect me to stop talking about His awesomeness or your ratchetness, I don’t have to choose.

In the health department, since my weight is an issue for me (it’s getting that deep) then I MUST do something about it. I don’t want to be skinny at all, however I do want to look better naked. So when you see those post about exercise and eating right, kill yourself if you’re mad. I’m doing this for the ten or twenty thick chicks who are also not happy with how thick things have gotten and they want to change. Curvaceous is beautiful, no matter what size you are. But if you feel yourself dressing differently, not happy with your appearance, and feeling awful don’t just say “Oh well, I’m fat”, change it. I’m looking for workout buddies, so hit a diva up. LOL

When it comes to relationships, I love hard and I’m a friend until the end (Chucky voice, lol). However, sometimes the end comes too often because of a lack of communication. One thing about me, you will know how I feel once I decide how to communicate it, but I can’t expect that from everyone. Everyone doesn’t have balls, maturity, or communication skills, but that’s another post. I can only be who I am, not what you thought you saw online. So I’m only cultivating relationships that are mutually nourishing and positive. No more one-sided, Captain Save-a-Hoe, you need to be pacified situations over here. I can love people from afar, and I can appreciate my associates without bringing them deep into my life. It’s something about retaining my sanity and self-preservation that seems so important these days.

As a mother, it’s important that I share time with my two sons. The best job given to me by God, I can’t imagine not having these two little chocolate children in my life. It’s nothing glamorous about it, but it’s real. My children are the reason why I’m still here. Every day is a reason to go hard and survive, because they can see me. So be sure to unfollow me, if you hate pictures of kids, especially my kids. I won’t be upset at all.

When it comes to that get money attitude, I have it… just not as much as other people. I would love to be rich and wealthy, living in a mansion, driving a Benz, and doing whatever, wherever, because I can. However, there are certain things I’m not willing to do to get there. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the lengths people are willing to go for the desire and love of money, and I’ve even been there myself a few times. Nevertheless, nowadays, I find substance and integrity will bring finances to you, rather you having to chase them down. I’m not easily impressed by materialistic things and I vowed not to spend my life chasing things and money, but the experience. We’ve been broke, and we’ve had plenty. I prefer not to hustle my way through this experience, but dedicate my time to making a difference and feeding my family. Wealth will come, I just want to be ready (mentally) to receive it. Nobody is going to MC Hammer, the kid! LOL

Overall, I remain confident. It hurts when you stop and look around, only to realize you’ve been off track for a minute. I would have never imagined that I would be where I am today, so I know that so much more is coming down the pipeline. My only concern is that, it’s so many people around me wrapped up in the wrong mind state, not utilizing their platforms for good, and wasting space. It’s hard not to get thrown in the mix of what the world wants. There is a bloodthirsty audience looking for ratchet, drama, and something to make them forget about their own issues like drugs and alcohol do to your mind. I’m trying to be the opposite of that, and yes it’s harder, but in the end I was promised that it would be worth it. If you’re expecting me to wild out and act a fool, keep moving. None of that negative nonsense happens around here. Of course, I’m not always positive! So negative ish happens to me all the time, and like any human I react to it. But what sets me apart from most is that I’m saying how I feel, not what I believe the majority wants to hear. I’m dedicating all of this to real, honest, and productive dialogue about the issues and topics concerning women, families, relationships, and creators. This is a space about being yourself and being happy with the lane you took in life. In the end, I must want to wake up being better than I was yesterday and inspire a few people at the same damn time. Rock with me!

 

For more of the Baddest Creative Motivation, Follow me on Twitter @GaptoothDiva

 

What Changes Are You Making or Have Made in Yourself?

2 Comments

  1. You are Always right on time!! Love this… In going through a ‘know thyself’ period in life as well. Apply everything in your heart you know to be true to yourself, all the advice and suggestions that flow so effortlessly when communicating to others, tell yourself, & watch your intuition, mind, body & spirit flourish 👌💯✔👑👏✨😍😘

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    1. Thanks for reading. I’m glad I’m not in feeling like I need to step it up. Its difficult when you have so many outside entities pulling you their way, but your advice is excellent! Definitely taking my own advice. Can’t wait to see what happens next! Thanks again. 🙂 ♡

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